The wound in my heart from losing him has finally stopped bleeding, but it still hurts if it's poked, of course. So please, don't ask about his death. I just wanna say thank you to those who have been around, for being the same person even when Pocky is no longer with us physically. I would have been drown in guilt and pain a lot longer if I had been alone in this.
It's really hard to accept the one we love most left our sides, isn't it? No matter how long they had been with us before... because life will never be the same again. No two living beings are exactly the same, whether it's a human, an animal or even a plant. Each has its own personality and so was Pocky. He was special with everything about him. No other birds of mine can fill the hole he left in my heart... I know the wound from having him pulled out of my life will eventually heal. But it will leave a scar... which I hope one day I can wear with a smile.
I think I've started to accept his death. It's not easy. The first year he was gone, even a small talk about him would really feel hurt inside. No matter if it was a good memory, a bad memory, or just the words "I'm sorry." Why? Because it was a direct reminder that he was no longer with me... physically. Because I didn't want to believe that he was watching me from heaven, not from his cage. Because I still could hear him, I still could feel his soft feathers on my fingertips. Because I still mistook Pepe for Pocky and called him Pocky sometimes.
I still miss him. I still cry when I write something like this. But the pain has slowly faded. I don't think too much of him anymore which makes me feel a different kind of guilt now. Have you ever thought that letting go means we actually forget and replace them with happy new experiences, pushing the painful memory further and further away. It was like feeling guilty for remarrying someone else after our spouses died 2 years ago. :D It was almost like feeling guilty for feeling happy again, not depressed or hurt like we used to be.
I upload a pic of him every month on 24th/25th, draw comics of him, carve a pumpkin for him on Halloween, make some merchandises of him,... I tried to keep all the memories intact, but actually... maybe, it was my way to say my farewell to him. Because it would never be enough to just say it once or a hundred times, but it's more like keeping him very, very close to my heart until the heart stop bleeding by itself. At this time, I could hear him say, "Hey, Em! Time to move on. :) It's OK. I'll be around if you need me."
God always has the best plan for us... I want to believe it. For at least he lets Pipi stays with me. And he sent those cutie patootie finch terrorists, 5 of them in just a couple of months to my hands. It's not about which ones are cuter or if I'm happier with them than I was with Pocky, for if I could turn back the time, I would try to keep him alive and safe. I just want to believe God traded Pocky with 5 the mini-him versions for a better reason.
Pocky's death taught me to appreciate every second I have with my other babies. He also made Death doesn't sound scary anymore. There's hope that we'll meet again at the rainbow bridge. So it's a win-win situation if I'm dead one day... <3 From now on, I'll just post his pic on his birthday, August 24th, whether it's a pic you haven't seen before or a repost from my all time favorite pics. I wanna try to celebrate his life now and stop my mourning over his death. If you like to share how you try to cope with your bird loss, please write on the comment below. Thanks. :)
Here are some of my favorite Pocky stuffs. Please click and peep the products even if you don't buy them. Thank you very much. :)
